Sunday, August 05, 2018

How will liberals ruin Patrick Stewart's return to Star Trek?

By Ed Straker

Seventy-eight-year-old Patrick Stewart, who played the wildly popular Captain Picard on the 1980s series Star Trek: The Next Generation, is returning to the role in a new Star Trek series.

No other details have been released, but expect the series to promote a hard-left agenda. The current Star Trek series on the air, Star Trek: Discovery, practices a new level of identity politics featuring a black female lead, a homosexual romance between the chief engineer and the doctor, and the only white heterosexual male killed from the show in the first season. We can only expect a revival of Star Trek: The Next Generation to push the left-wing agenda even harder.

Here are some possibilities:

1. Millions of Klingons migrate to Earth, fleeing criminal gangs of Pakleds and Ferengi. When they arrive, they tax the resources of Earth, each demanding their own government-paid starship, transporter, and shuttle craft, and that Klingon be the primary language in schools, businesses, and communicator voice menus, prompting a nativist surge that Captain Picard has to counter.

2. Data, the android, decides that being male is too limiting, so instead, he decides to be both sexes: male in front and female in back. His head can swivel from front to back depending on which persona he wishes to emulate at any given moment, responding to the name "Data" in the front and "Lal" in the rear. Later, Riker is nearly court-martialed when he misgenders Data, calling Data "he" and "him" instead of "they" and "them."

3. Picard visits a planet that uses replicator technology to replicate an unlimited amount of money to make all its citizens wealthy. It's an entire planet where everyone is exactly equal. Everyone is happy – until the citizenry forms mobs that start to riot when they realize that one of the citizens has a swimming pool and the rest don't.

4. Captain Picard, who learns that the warp drive is polluting the environment, starts a campaign to dismantle all starships. When he is successful, he learns that it was all a sham and the evidence supporting this theory originated with the Romulans.

5. Picard's old first officer, Riker, goes to a planet with no biological sex and falls in love with one of the genderless people. He lobbies the Federation, with Picard's help, to pay to have his sex beamed out of his body so he can be in wedded bliss. Picard himself performs the risky transporter procedure.

6. An alien humanoid with a putty forehead seizes the Enterprise and proceeds to photon-torpedo the richest ZIP codes on his planet, all in an effort to reduce inequality of income in his planet's population. Picard retakes the ship and lectures him on the merits of steeply progressive taxation before releasing him.

7. Dr. Beverly Crusher and her son Wesley Crusher emerge from a static warp bubble and suddenly realize that she is really her son and he is really her mother, and they get corrective surgery.

8. Picard persuades Starfleet to stop patrolling the Federation's borders and to allow undocumented aliens to cross at will. Later, when the Earth has been transformed into a Borg supercomputer network, Picard mulls the morality of his actions over a cup of Earl Grey while staring at his goldfish in his ready room.

9. Picard encounters a crystalline entity that survives by eating people. Picard, obeying the Endangered Species directive, provides the crystalline entity with a database listing Federation colonies, helpfully putting asterisks by the ones with the most overweight populations.

10. Holographic computer programs demand the right to vote. Picard lobbies the Federation to make it happen, and when it does, the holograms make 10 billion copies of themselves, vote themselves into power, and change the name of the Federation to Simulation.

11. Picard investigates to find out why Starfleet has so many more black people than Chinese people. He finds out that Chinese people have higher test scores generally but score lower on so-called "personality tests." Satisfied, he ends his investigation there.

12. Two alien races, one with putty on their foreheads and one without, are in conflict with each other. They are identical in every way except for the putty. Picard mediates and determines that the species with the putty is more virtuous and must be obeyed.

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